The Dangerous Illusion of the Soulmate Myth

A recent survey revealed that 60% of Americans believe in the concept of a soulmate. In other words, more than half of the population thinks there’s someone out there who is a perfect match for them, and that fate will magically bring them together. Perhaps you are among these 60%. Well, I believe it’s in your best interest to abandon this belief. Why? Because, in my opinion, the concept of a soulmate is a dangerous myth. It’s a major cause of male loneliness and general romantic despair that plagues the West. Let’s explore why this is the case.

The Paralyzing Effect of the Soulmate Myth

At the heart of the soulmate myth is the idea that there is one perfect person out there for everyone, and all you have to do is find them. It’s comforting, but this belief paralyzes you in two different ways. For a single person, it’s like thinking they will win the lottery eventually; they just need to stay passive and they will receive the ultimate reward. There’s no reason to make an effort, step out of their comfort zone, or work on self-improvement. If they go through a series of dates that end after the first meeting or spend every night alone in their apartment, they can rely on the myth of the soulmate. After all, fate has everything planned. One day, they will meet someone who not only meets all their expectations but also loves them for who they truly are.

This mindset means they don’t need to actively search for a compatible partner since the perfect princess will eventually appear. Furthermore, it discourages self-improvement because if they worked on their flaws or developed new qualities, they wouldn’t be their true selves. So even if they did meet their soulmate, that person wouldn’t recognize them.

The Stagnation of Belief

Believing in the soulmate myth causes single men to stagnate without ever developing their qualities, strengths, and personality. For men, this is one of the worst beliefs to adopt because a man’s value often lies in what is rare: physical fitness through sport, psychological discipline, and economic success through work. To cultivate these values, a man must always be in motion. Therefore, a single man who buys into the soulmate myth does the opposite of what would make him attractive to women. Ironically, the hopeless romantic who believes his soulmate will eventually complete him ends up at the bottom of the preference pyramid for women.

There are many high-quality women, but they are interested in proactive men, not invisible ones who refuse to self-reflect and improve. The soulmate myth makes you passive and thus condemns you to eternal singleness. This paralysis isn’t reserved just for single men. Even men in relationships can be destructively affected by the soulmate myth.

The Relationship Trap

When a man is convinced that there is no chance, even a 0.01% chance, of finding someone else, he sabotages his relationship. Why? Because he becomes entirely dependent on his partner. Dependence in a relationship has its merits; one must be able to rely on their partner in difficult and pleasurable moments. However, the overdose of this belief signals to his partner that he cannot live without her, giving her the power to do whatever she wants in the relationship. If she cheats repeatedly, he is devastated but stays because he believes it’s the best he can get. She knows this and can continue to abuse him without facing any consequences.

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A specific psychological mechanism is at work in people who are mistreated in relationships because they believe they have found their soulmate: the escalation of commitment. This cognitive bias leads people to continue investing in a decision despite negative outcomes. For example, watching a boring movie in a cinema just because you paid for the ticket. You’ve already lost the money, so the best option is to leave and cut your losses. Similarly, in relationships, if you believe your partner is your soulmate, you will continue to invest energy, time, money, and motivation, despite being mistreated.

Cutting the Losses

The only solution is to cut your losses as soon as you realize you’re wasting your time, much like walking out of a bad movie. The soulmate myth imprisons you in your relationship, causing two forms of paralysis. Don’t think this only happens to fools; even very intelligent, methodical, and rational men can fall for it because they believe relationships have no rules and are guided by irrational myths.

The soulmate myth doesn’t just affect men. In the survey mentioned earlier, 64% of women believe in it, and 17% are unsure. That means 4 out of 5 women are at risk. For women, too, this illusion causes significant damage. I often discuss female hypergamy in my videos. Social media provides women with a vast selection of potential partners, pushing them to always seek better and discouraging stable relationships.

The Trap for Women

Imagine a beautiful and intelligent woman dating a distant man who treats her poorly. He might cheat, but she stays with him because her hypergamous nature is drawn to his dominant traits. Why doesn’t she find someone better who treats her well? She believes she won’t find anyone better, emotionally imprisoning her and making her manipulable. If hypergamy leads her to choose this man, the soulmate myth makes her stay.

If she eventually leaves this toxic relationship, the psychological damage is done, and her next partner will have to deal with the emotional scars. The soulmate myth is one of those dangerous ideas contributing to the great divide between genders in the West. It creates an unattainable ideal based on romantic but irrational ideas, providing a dysfunctional framework for young generations.

A Realistic Approach to Love

Over the years, as belief in the soulmate myth increases, relationships become rarer and more unstable, and singleness rises. According to research cited in the British press, the soulmate myth is a confirmed factor in relationship instability. It’s not just a cause of loneliness; it’s also a consequence. According to American researcher Bradley Onishi, the soulmate myth is a direct result of the contemporary relational nightmare. It promises fulfillment and suggests that isolation and loneliness are temporary, eventually leading to a “happily ever after” with a person who understands us on all levels, protects us, and gives our life extraordinary meaning.

The soulmate myth absorbs all the bad first dates, breakups, disappointed hopes, and integrates them into a story that says, “One day, it will all fall into place.” But if we abandon the soulmate idea, should we give up on love? Of course not. Instead, we should adopt realistic criteria for choosing a partner. Replace illusory criteria with realistic ones. Instead of looking for someone who can read your mind, seek a partner who communicates clearly and kindly.

Don’t wait for the perfect person to save you because they don’t exist. Save yourself by confronting reality, revealing your potential, and becoming your best self. This way, you’ll find a compatible partner and be the right person for them.