The idea of a soulmate promises an obvious encounter: somewhere, there is a person perfectly made for us, whom fate will inevitably place in our path. This image can feel reassuring in the face of disappointing dates, breakups and loneliness. It gives meaning to difficulties: if things have not worked out so far, it is simply because “the right person” has not arrived yet.
But the soulmate myth can become a trap when it replaces action, discernment and personal responsibility. Loving someone does not mean waiting for magical compatibility. A relationship is built between two real people, with their qualities, limitations, disagreements and ability to communicate.
An Appealing but Potentially Paralyzing Belief
A poll cited on this subject found that 60% of Americans believed in the existence of soulmates. Among the women surveyed, 64% said they believed in them and 17% were unsure. These figures illustrate the power of a widely shared romantic ideal: that of one unique, ideal and destined person.
The problem arises when this belief leads a single person to wait instead of taking an active role in their own relational life. If fate is supposed to arrange everything, why step outside familiar routines, meet new people, develop social skills or work on what could make a relationship more balanced?
The expectation of a perfect meeting can then become a form of inertia. A person hopes for an exceptional reward without accepting the uncertainty, effort and learning that often accompany human relationships. They may also interpret every imperfect encounter as proof that it was “not the one,” rather than as an opportunity to better understand their expectations and needs.
The Danger of Confusing Authenticity With a Lack of Growth
Another possible consequence is the belief that improving oneself would mean no longer being oneself. Under this logic, correcting certain behaviors, learning to listen better, taking care of one’s health, strengthening discipline or building confidence would be pointless: a soulmate would supposedly love a person exactly as they are, without any growth.
This view creates an artificial opposition between authenticity and progress. Yet growing does not mean playing a role or denying one’s personality. It is possible to remain true to one’s values while becoming more attentive, more responsible and better able to create a healthy relationship.
Looking for a partner does not remove the need to build oneself. Waiting for an ideal person to fill every gap exposes someone to deep disappointment. No relationship can sustainably carry, on its own, all of an individual’s meaning, security and self-esteem.
Idealization Can Trap Someone in a Painful Relationship
The myth does not affect only single people. It can also weaken an existing relationship. When someone is convinced that they have found the only possible partner, they may feel unable to leave, even if the relationship becomes humiliating, unfaithful, contemptuous or destructive.
This situation can be explained by the mechanism of escalation of commitment. The principle is simple: the more time, energy, money or hope someone has invested in a situation, the harder it may be for them to walk away, even when it no longer brings anything positive to their life.
The example of a boring film illustrates this well. After paying for a movie ticket, a viewer may stay until the end simply because they have already spent the money. Yet that cost has already been incurred: staying will not recover it. It merely adds lost time to a past expense.
In a relationship, the reasoning can be similar. A person remembers the years they have shared, the efforts they have made and the sacrifices they have accepted. They tell themselves they must continue so that all of it will have meant something. Yet past investment guarantees neither present respect nor future improvement. Staying should not become an obligation based only on what has already been given.
Emotional Dependency: When One Person Becomes Irreplaceable
Closeness, trust and interdependence are part of a committed relationship. Being able to rely on the other person in difficult times is valuable. However, viewing one’s partner as absolutely irreplaceable can create excessive dependency.
When someone believes they will never meet anyone else or be able to live without their partner, the balance of power may become uneven. They may tolerate behaviors they would otherwise reject, out of fear of losing what they see as their only chance to love.
This fear does not justify hurtful behavior or make it acceptable. It does, however, help explain why some people stay in relationships that harm them. The romantic ideal can then conceal a less flattering reality: not exceptional love, but anxiety about being alone.
An Unattainable Ideal That Fuels Dissatisfaction
Believing in a perfect person can also create unrealistic expectations. If someone expects their partner to understand everything without being told, meet every need, never disappoint them and ensure lasting happiness, then every imperfection becomes suspect.
A real relationship, however, includes misunderstandings, adjustments and differences. Compatibility does not mean being able to read each other’s minds. Rather, it shows in the ability to speak clearly, listen, negotiate disagreements and treat each other with kindness.
The risk is confusing intensity with relationship quality. A turbulent relationship may seem exceptional because it generates strong emotions, without being respectful or stable. Conversely, a calmer relationship may be dismissed because it does not match the romantic image of an absolute certainty.
Replacing the Search for a Soulmate With Concrete Criteria
Letting go of the idea of a soulmate does not mean giving up on love, commitment or the desire for a deep relationship. Instead, it invites people to choose benchmarks that are observable, realistic and useful in everyday life.
Rather than looking for someone who is supposedly perfect, it is possible to consider more concrete factors:
- Is communication clear, honest and respectful?
- Can disagreements be expressed without contempt or fear?
- Are both people making reciprocal efforts?
- Are each person’s boundaries respected?
- Are their values and life plans sufficiently compatible?
These criteria do not promise a relationship without difficulties. They do, however, make it possible to assess what truly exists rather than relying on a supposed destiny. They also remind us that a lasting relationship is not merely found: it is sustained through repeated choices.
FAQ About the Soulmate Myth
Do you have to give up romance if you do not believe in soulmates?
No. Romance can still have a place in a relationship without imposing the idea that only one person in the world is meant for you. Affection, admiration and commitment can be very strong while remaining clear-eyed.
Does a lasting relationship require perfect compatibility?
No. Perfection is not a realistic foundation. A lasting relationship depends more on the quality of communication, respect, reciprocity and the ability to handle differences.
Why is it difficult to leave a relationship that causes pain?
Habits, attachment, fear of loneliness and the significance of the efforts already invested can make separation difficult. Escalation of commitment can also lead someone to continue a relationship in an attempt to “make worthwhile” what has already been given.
Love does not need to be based on the belief in a destined person. A more realistic perspective does not make relationships less profound: it makes it possible to assess them more freely, build fairer expectations and recognize that a healthy connection is as much a choice as it is a feeling.
">Moderateur
Follow on X
Send an email
